Things I will continue to be

• a perv
• obnoxious
• friendly
• caring
• sarcastic
• witty
• hilarious
• sarcastically conceited
• inappropriate
• awkward
• imaginative
• mentally and physically healthy
• active
• sexy

Things I will not be ever again

• depressed
• anxious
• self-loathing
• anyone’s bitch
• unaccomplished
• lazy
• fat
• hopelessly in love

The problem with unhappy and/or lonely people is that - aside from being unhappy and/or lonely - they will always be hungry and in pain.

Whilst hungry, they tell themselves “I just want a taste. Is that so much to ask for? Just a taste of happiness. A fleeting, finite glimpse of something wholly good. That’s all I want…”

The problem is this: if/when they get that sample - that taste of something wonderful - they live every day simply wanting more.

Some might get a longer sample than others, but the finite nature of their wish comes to fruition and they will feel their prior loneliness and pain to an incredibly amplified extent.

The worst part is knowing the pain they felt before that malicious taste of happiness couldn’t compare to what they feel after it is gone.

They will tell themselves they will never want again. And for a while, they will learn to live as an individual, and they will flourish and do well as a person until something amazing and completely unexpected falls into their lap. When it is around, life is brighter than ever. When it leaves, everything becomes gray.

And they will think “i would give anything for a few more moments. I would do anything for just another glimpse…”

They will think “Oh, God. Why did SHE have to happen. Just when I was doing so good without her…”

Is the finite happiness real? Or an illusion - a wicked catalyst for deeper suffering…?

Want not, my children. Suffer no more.

A dear friend of mine asked me to address that question today…

The truth is, I didn’t “get rid” of him. Depressed Michael - and all depressed alter-egos like him - is a part of who I am (and a part of whoever else may struggle with depression or has struggled in the past). 

Him being “gone” is an illusion. He never left and I never got rid of him because you can never remove parts of your personality. You are who you are (yes, you can change, but i’m not making that argument right now), and Depressed Michael used to be a very LOUD part of my personality.

The trick to “getting rid of” your loud, depressed alter-ego is simply teaching him/her to shut the fuck up.

Figure out what’s making you depressed. What do you think about most often? Does this make you feel sad? Do you feel sad and depressed after thinking about it. What do you complain about most? All of this is what fuels your depression and when depression takes control of you… it’s as if you need these depressants. It’s an addiction in a very real way because somewhere deep inside you’re afraid that if you don’t feel that profound depression which you put yourself through (and depression, being in your head, is most definitely something you put yourself through by not thinking clearly. by no means does that mean that it is your fault that you are depressed) - if you don’t feel that depression and dwell on what makes you sad on a daily basis - then you won’t feel anything profound ever again.

It’s easy to ignore and forget the fact that you probably laughed at something today; that something made you smile or that something made you feel generally good. You don’t focus on that because it’s not as powerful.

But you WILL feel a positive powerful emotion at some point and the reason it will feel so powerfully positive is because of how rare…how mercilessly rare that kind of feeling is.

So what’s the trick? 

Let yourself be happy.

Infinitely easier said than done. Believe me: I know.

But you need to find what thoughts bring out your own Depressed side and separate yourself from them.

For me it was school, females, and the reinforced belief that “i’m not good enough.”

so…
School: i took a break. i was failing my classes because they bored me and i couldn’t focus. why burn money? why stress out? why continue fueling a fire that will last a lifetime if you don’t take a few months to try to finally extinguish it? 

Females/Relationships: when i say “i love you” i really do mean it. but as painful as it is, rejection is a strong hint for you to give up on an uphill battle. No, I’ve never stopped caring for the girls who rejected me, but I HAVE learned to move on. There will almost ALWAYS be someone new, someone just as good if not better, someone interesting, someone attractive… something just has to click within you to help yourself realize that. If you must: distance yourself. Stop facebooking them, stop texting them, stop talking about them - you CAN do it. You won’t WANT to, because that means they really ARE out of your life, and god knows you never wanted that. But you also don’t deserve what you’re doing to yourself when you keep torturing yourself with thoughts of those people or that one special person. trust me: if you weren’t worth their time, that isn’t a sign that you should try harder to “win them over”. it’s a sign for you to  get out, exercise, read, learn to laugh again, be happy, and learn to love yourself. as tacky and cheesy and cliche as it sounds, that’s what will attract the person who MAKES YOU worth THEIR time. that’s how you end up in a reciprocal relationship. i’m not saying it will be a fast and/or easy process. it PROBABLY won’t be. but you’ll survive. you’ll make yourself learn to.

I’m not good enough: yes you fucking are. stop wallowing. laugh at the people who bother you. Rather, laugh WITH them. If you can’t laugh at yourself, you have no business laughing at others. Plus: laughing WITH them will completely disarm them. If you aren’t hurt or bothered, then they have failed and won’t know what to do. If you feel like you can’t do anything right: stop trying at what you can’t do right no matter how hard you try, find what you’re good at, and do that instead. 

and above all else: NEVER DO ANYTHING SOLELY TO PLEASE SOMEBODY ELSE. ALWAYS STRIVE FOR YOUR HAPPINESS. IF SOMEONE WON’T TREAT YOU HOW YOU WANT TO BE TREATED? FUCK ‘EM.

IT’S YOUR JOB TO MAKE YOU HAPPY, SO GET TO WORK. IT WON’T JUST COME TO YOU, AND YOU’LL STILL GET SAD SOMETIMES. BUT THAT’S LIFE. STOP HOPING FOR MIRACLES AND MAKE YOUR OWN.

YOU.

ARE.

STRONG/GOOD/SMART/PRETTY

ENOUGH .

I tried so hard
To change you
To make you
Something that i
Could enjoy
But you insist
On just acting
A play thing
You’re just a toy

…

JUST A TOY

YOU’RE THE SONG I HATE
BUT I CAN’T LET GO