i’ve never disliked another person so much in my life without ever having met them in person.
you’re a dumb bastard.
I overheard a conversation today - I heard something about someone and something and a situation and it made my heart pause to absorb rage and then my fist clenched tight and my blood ran icy-hot.
And I wish I could hit the cause of it.
My neighbors ain’t doing much better
and we’re making competition instead of
Well maybe we can speed up
kill me in my thirties in the
name of progress
put me in the dirt and then
change the topic
-sometimes seems like the only
way to stop this…
departure date -
doesn’t take a lot
to get a lot of us
to talk this way…
People seem to like me because I’m polite…and I’m rarely late. I enjoy ice cream, and really like a pair of slacks.
-years later, a doctor would tell me that i have an IQ of 41, and am what some people may call…..”mentally reTARDed”.” —
but i can’t have that. i can’t. i’d do anything to have one - honestly i would. i would sing for my deep dish, i would run across the country for it, i would climb atop a building and profess my undying affection for a deep dish pizza.
but i can’t have a deep dish pizza.
i can, however, have a thin crust.
do i have anything against that? no.
it’s not exactly what i want, and i could take it or leave it without much disappointment - i know it’ll partially satisfy my need for pizza, but i won’t go crazy about it.
there is no deep dish pizza for me, so i guess i’ll enjoy my thin crust instead.
…i suppose some people would say that’s better than starving.
I call shenanigans on that!
I think he was being snarky and passively hating on me.
I am NOT NEARLY cool enough to be hipster, so thank you for the compliment, Snarky College Douche!
There’s travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you’ll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest
The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver’s test
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss’s face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick
Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely
that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have
a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,
but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have
to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.
Where was I?
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that you
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window
Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak
All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you’ve got hanging in your den
The stars say that you’re an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they’re lying
If I were you, I’d lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again
That’s your horoscope for today