the Stupendium

i’ve…

i’ve never disliked another person so much in my life without ever having met them in person.

you’re a dumb bastard.

PDBAZ

I overheard a conversation today - I heard something about someone and something and a situation and it made my heart pause to absorb rage and then my fist clenched tight and my blood ran icy-hot.

And I wish I could hit the cause of it.

My neighbors ain’t doing much better

and we’re making competition instead of

sticking together…

Well maybe we can speed up 

the process

kill me in my thirties in the

name of progress

put me in the dirt and then

change the topic

-sometimes seems like the only

way to stop this…

contemplate my

departure date -

doesn’t take a lot

to get a lot of us

to talk this way…

but i can’t have that. i can’t. i’d do anything to have one - honestly i would. i would sing for my deep dish, i would run across the country for it, i would climb atop a building and profess my undying affection for a deep dish pizza.

but i can’t have a deep dish pizza.

…

i can, however, have a thin crust.

do i have anything against that? no.

it’s not exactly what i want, and i could take it or leave it without much disappointment - i know it’ll partially satisfy my need for pizza, but i won’t go crazy about it.

there is no deep dish pizza for me, so i guess i’ll enjoy my thin crust instead.

…i suppose some people would say that’s better than starving.

pdbaz

I call shenanigans on that!

1. I think he was being snarky and passively hating on me.

2. I am NOT NEARLY cool enough to be hipster, so thank you for the compliment, Snarky College Douche!

Aquarius

There’s travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus

Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day

Pisces

Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus

You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say

Aries

The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon

Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep

Taurus

You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?

The stars predict tomorrow you’ll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep

Gemini

Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence

Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest

Cancer

The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud

Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver’s test

Leo

Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss’s face, oh no

Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik

Virgo

All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you

Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely

that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have

a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,

but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions

are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have

to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.

Where was I?

Libra

A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that you

Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week

Scorpio

Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window

Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak

Sagittarius

All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)

Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you’ve got hanging in your den

Capricorn

The stars say that you’re an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they’re lying

If I were you, I’d lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again

That’s your horoscope for today